Just Saying

I'm meeting my Birthdad and his side of the family this weekend.

I have had zero time alone in this house to prepare myself.

I haven't even done my laundry yet!

I relaxed yesterday afternoon/early evening by going to the Goodwill Outlet and searching for treasure... and then I went to Starbucks and then I went and got a brow/lip wax. I'd hate to meet my Birthdad with unruly eyebrows and a mustache (please say that moo-stash). My aesthetician is really wonderful and so insightful; I enjoy going to see her and she always has nice things to share. She is great to talk to/bounce thoughts off and I'm glad I got to see her {not just get waxed!} before I meet my Birthdad. 

Gigi couldn't watch the girls on Wednesday this week so my 'day off' didn't happen. Of course, the week I really truly NEED a day "off".... {I quote "off" because I still have Snowdrop so technically I'm not really having a day off.}

So I'm just saying that this is a really emotional thing and I'm doing it all by myself. My support system {other than Hubby, who I think still really doesn't "get it"; He keeps talking about how he hasn't been to FL since he was 11. That not what this trip is about. Sorry but I have to be incredibly selfish on this one!!} are the two friends who know about it happening. They both live more than 300 miles from here. I think it's incredibly unfair that no one else recognizes the importance of this event and how life-changing it will be. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that to people?? I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for someone to take the girls for a day so I can have peace to myself to prepare and reflect.

Like, I wish my husband had taken control of the situation and arranged for a sitter this week. 

That would have been cool.

Le Sigh.

I'm off to break up an argument about something ridiculous between my oldest girls... and then I have to change this rank diaper on Snowdrop that I keep smelling as she parades beneath my feet, clawing at my thighs, screaming "Moooooommy Mooooooooommy Up".

Le Freakin' Sigh.

On a Very Serious Note.

{I wrote most of this post on last Friday 5/6/11. I was interrupted before I could finish it... and well, you know how life goes.}
~
Seriously, this is totally on a very serious note. 

And I'm just going to dive right in.

I have been SO depressed. SO stressed out. SO anxious about... everything!! 

Anything and everything can set it off. I feel like a ticking time-bomb. I can eat just fine (haha, I'm even doing a good job at losing weight through clean eating!), I am exhausted but I can't sleep, I have zero desire to do housework or anything else, I yell at my kids all the freakin' time. I'm a ballistic bitch. Ok. I said it. I'm a big bitch. That is not always my fault. Hubby (God bless him, it's not totally his fault) has been SO unsupportive of my issues. It's not totally his fault; sometimes I'm just a bitch. On the other hand, it just doesn't help me out when I'm having a horrible time coping and he tells me to "Just Leave. Get out of here. Go back home if you're really so unhappy here. I'll raise the kids and you can have your life back."
(Really, he does! What a jerk!! Way to make me feel like you are totally not on my team, dude!)

I have been able the last few years to pick myself up, dust myself off, and live on. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of second personality that "takes over" when I can't. Or is that just "Being a Mom"? I do not know. I have reached a point now where I am just tired. I can't do it anymore.

I cannot function like a normal person should function.

So I just had my annual exam {YAY FOR PAP SMEARS! ~ that was only sort of sarcastic because truly YAY FOR PAP SMEARS they can save your life!} and I totally caved when my doctor asked me how things were going. I just seriously could not hold it together for another minute. My doctor, an OB/GYN who for the record is just about 40 and STILL trying to have a child, was really just so amazing.

I felt like SUCH a JERK complaining to her about all this.

{Sidenote: my mom, who was unable to have children, makes me VERY AWARE (in a negative way, duh!) how "fortunate" I am to be able to have kids. As if that means I should be happy my tailbone still hurts and I can't sit down/stand up without feeling it. As if I should be happy that sex fucking SUCKS because it's so painful, I should be delighted when my nipples bleed while nursing my newborn and I should praise God every time I pee my pants because peeing in my pants means that I got to push a baby out of my hoohoo... She has made me feel that I should never have a complaint about my life because I'm so fortunate to have been able to have my own kids. *le sigh*}

But my doctor is amazing.
And supportive. And sat with me for SO LONG to talk things out. And so she hugged me and told me that we are all blessed in different ways and that I'm not a jerk for how I am feeling about mine. She insisted that I am not complaining and that she is there to help me. She even said that I am one of her easier patients! She's really just so great. She didn't take it personally, like my mom alllllllllllways does. {And if I did offend her in any way, she never showed ONE inkling of it. Not one.}

And that meant so very much to me.

So now I'm supposed to be picking up some medicine later today that is supposed to help me function.

In addition to my mind being out of sorts... my tailbone/pelvis is still out of whack as well. This probably has made some contribution to my unhappiness since the baby was born. Long story very short, the muscles/bones in my pelvis got really out of whack when the baby was born. I began going to PT in February of this year. We worked just on my tailbone (which cracked and mishealed due to the muscle straining it) to see if that would help "everything" else down there, too. I felt great after a couple months of PT. So when Hubby and I resumed our...relations... and my tailbone got pushed out of place again it was SUPER depressing that I had to start PT again. I just feel so defeated. This time, we are treating me for the tailbone issues AND for pain in my hoohoo. See, the muscles in my pelvis are like SOTIGHT that they are knotty. Like how you get knots in your shoulders? I have knots in my hoohoo. And they are extremely painful. Especially when...you know. So the worst part of this is that we have to do these muscle releases. Sort of like massaging. Do you get where I am going with this? Yeah. My physical therapist has to massage my hoohoo (from the inside) to get the knots out.
Can anyone say Awkward? Embarrassing? Find me a rock to hide under? Or perhaps a heavy narcotic so I can forget about this easier? Please?

Why am I being this honest with you, Stranger?

Part of me does not know. Part of me hopes that someone out there is having similar issues to mine and goes to get help. Because I SWEAR that my physical therapist is a miracle worker sent to me from God. She has done SO MUCH to help me feel better down there. It is NOT normal to hurt down there after giving birth. Scratch that, it is not normal to be hurting sixteen months after giving birth. Yes, my tiny little body has been through A LOT (having twins plus another within two years) but it should not be "left in ruins". She said that so many women come to her and say that they just didn't realize it's not supposed to hurt, even a little. This week in fact, of the 60 hours she worked, 35 of them were with women who were having pelvic pain, as a result of childbirthing/pregnancy/etc. That amazed me! And made me feel so much less alone.

And the whole sharing thing is not just about the physical stuff, it's the mental stuff too.
If you're stressed out, depressed, "feeling blue", losing your marbles, a bitch for literally no reason at all, whatever is going on ~ you are not alone.
I feel that way, too.
All of the freakin' time.

Bloggers, like Chelsey The Paper Mama and Jennifer from Dishes in the Dryer and Delane from Life of a Mombie have reminded me that I am not alone in my struggle to enjoy mommyhood to its fullest. I wanted to say THANK YOU to Chelsey & Delane & Jennifer, and to all the others who I did not mention because so many of you have made a difference to me and have made me feel like I'm not a total nut-bag for feeling like this. You have also inspired me to speak up for myself and get myself 'fixed'. It is not fun feeling the way I do while I watch so many other mothers gleefully dance through motherhood. For me, the best news right now is that I have spoken up for myself and I am getting the help that I need... or at least starting on that road.

5/14/11 Update:
I am starting medication tomorrow night. I didn't want to start it Mothers Day Weekend and Hubby is out of town until tomorrow afternoon so I didn't want to be tinkering with medication while he wasn't home. Some of the side effects listed really scared me: psychotic episodes? WTF. AND the side effects are all like: extreme anxiety, depression, all the things I'm trying to get rid of? I'm confused by that. And of course, anxious (great) about what side effects I will have. Whatever. I can't remember what the medication is called and there's no way I'm running upstairs to find out. :) I will let you know how that goes. I HATE taking medicine mainly because I am always the one who gets the nausea/vomiting side effect. I feel like a nutjob. Fingers crossed, this will help me and not make me sick. Le sigh.

Okay. It felt really good to get all that out. Thanks for reading. I hope I didn't scare anyone away from reading my blog or step on toes or be a TOTAL Debbie Downer. Really. The blogging community has truly meant so much to me. Thank you!

Beyond Stressed

Sorry. It's just one of those days.

I am beyond stressed out. I feel like I want to check myself in. Maybe this is because I haven't slept very much in the last few days. I do not know. Maybe the last four years of pushing off & playing off the stress are finally catching up? I do not know. All I know is that I feel exhausted and that I need a break. A real break. Not an afternoon to myself. I need like 5-7 days. Exhaustion. Celebs have it all the time. Why couldn't I? Would the doctor laugh in my face if I said I was suffering from Exhaustion and needed to be hospitalized? I might laugh in my face. Because that sounds so absurd. But that's how I feeeeeel.

I can barely handle myself lately, much less the stresses of mothering three children. I was struggling before with just the two. It's not something I often write about on my blog but geez, I did not come with that built-in mother-gene. I love my kids, very much. But it takes lots of effort for me to parent and I am always conscientious of what I'm supposed to be like (what other mothers say & do about their kids, what society thinks I should be like just because I'm female and had babies, just how the "other" moms are). I feel like so many miniature to large curve balls are being thrown my way on a daily basis. I want to believe that God knows best and He wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle... but I feel so overwhelmed at this point. Can we just reduce it to one small curve ball every few days? For at least a little while?

I feel like I'm a one-person team on a dodge-ball court.

I just want to be normal.

After being awake with Snowdrop all night {literally, because she's teething poor thing!} I drove the kids to school this morning, then cried for about 2 hours, took a shower and was finally feeling a little better about myself. Until I picked up the girls who reminded me that I forgot to send a picture of our cat to school with them this morning. They were the "only ones" (they said it) who didn't have a picture of their pet. "Miss L had one, and Mrs C had one, and A had one and B and R had one" etc. I feel like the worst parent in the world, on top of already feeling like the worst parent in the world. And of course, the girls keep talking about how we "need to bing a pic-ure of Hen-riks to 'cool nek time." Alright, alright already! I get the message ~ I dropped the ball on this one!

This is just not one of the best days. Please say a little prayer for me. I need one. Thanks!


{And knowing that other people have it harder than I do, that I am so very lucky to have been gifted with children, that Japan is going through so much after the quake/tsunami, that people here in my city are going through so much, etc ~ all makes me feel like an even worse person for having these feelings. UGH.}