All Filled Up

If you've followed my blog recently then you know I went down to Florida {which was beautiful!} this past weekend to meet my Birthdad! I was adopted at birth and had never met him. 

I have sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to share, obviously, but I do not have time to write about it this morning. But I did want to check in and say that it was the best weekend ever. I met him, my great-aunt & uncle, a second cousin... and a bunch of my dad's friends. There is so much about their lives that I found out this weekend. I had no idea that my absence throughout the years had affected my ENTIRE extended family. I was always "The Missing Grandchild" and was always thought of throughout the years.... it's a pretty intense feeling to know you affected so many lives. They thought of me as much as I did them.

I had a mainly happy childhood though I always felt like something was missing... that I was part of something else. I am part of something greater! This whole big, very close family always left a spot for me in their hearts; I was always part of the family even though no one knew where I was. 

This weekend filled up an empty little piece of me that I thought would never be filled. I am all filled up with love and family.... 

and it's the best feeling ever. 

EVER. 

Will write more again soon! And share pictures!! I look just like him. :)

A Fireworks Show

I feel like a Fireworks Show of emotion. I'm so excited about the trip and so nervous, too. Emotions are pulling me in every direction, it's hard to focus on just one. We're meeting at his house {my birthdad} and I'm glad because I think it will be nice and private. And more special that way. I hope we click and that things aren't TOO awkward. I know it's probably going to be super weird at first.... but.... I'm okay with that. Sometimes the best things begin awkwardly.

These are MY people. Like, for real, MY people. I realize the magnitude of this weekend is probably a hard concept to grasp for those of you who aren't adopted or have experienced a similar situation. Quadmama pointed this fact out to me on my most recent post; and it makes sense. I am unable to explain how it feels, really... or what it's like. But I CAN tell you that it feels exhilarating to finally be putting a piece in the big puzzle of my life. I've been waiting for this one for a long time.

And so have they. :)

I have dreamed about this day for SO LONG. For as long as I've thought about my birth-family, I suppose... and I can't believe it's actually here. It's 1:14am so technically today is actually THE day. THE day. I can't wait to meet the person who is responsible for half of what made me ME, and one of the two people who created my life.

WOW!!!! 

And I just wanted to write all that down before I turned off the computer for the weekend and unplugged. :) Everything changes after this weekend. Good or bad, I do not know. This is certainly life-changing though, no matter how it goes. Please keep me in your thoughts this weekend!

Just Saying

I'm meeting my Birthdad and his side of the family this weekend.

I have had zero time alone in this house to prepare myself.

I haven't even done my laundry yet!

I relaxed yesterday afternoon/early evening by going to the Goodwill Outlet and searching for treasure... and then I went to Starbucks and then I went and got a brow/lip wax. I'd hate to meet my Birthdad with unruly eyebrows and a mustache (please say that moo-stash). My aesthetician is really wonderful and so insightful; I enjoy going to see her and she always has nice things to share. She is great to talk to/bounce thoughts off and I'm glad I got to see her {not just get waxed!} before I meet my Birthdad. 

Gigi couldn't watch the girls on Wednesday this week so my 'day off' didn't happen. Of course, the week I really truly NEED a day "off".... {I quote "off" because I still have Snowdrop so technically I'm not really having a day off.}

So I'm just saying that this is a really emotional thing and I'm doing it all by myself. My support system {other than Hubby, who I think still really doesn't "get it"; He keeps talking about how he hasn't been to FL since he was 11. That not what this trip is about. Sorry but I have to be incredibly selfish on this one!!} are the two friends who know about it happening. They both live more than 300 miles from here. I think it's incredibly unfair that no one else recognizes the importance of this event and how life-changing it will be. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that to people?? I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for someone to take the girls for a day so I can have peace to myself to prepare and reflect.

Like, I wish my husband had taken control of the situation and arranged for a sitter this week. 

That would have been cool.

Le Sigh.

I'm off to break up an argument about something ridiculous between my oldest girls... and then I have to change this rank diaper on Snowdrop that I keep smelling as she parades beneath my feet, clawing at my thighs, screaming "Moooooommy Mooooooooommy Up".

Le Freakin' Sigh.

IT'S OFFICIAL: I'm Gonna Meet My BirthDad!!!

I was going to mention this in my most recent post BUT I really thought it was important enough to deserve its own mini-post. 

Last night, we booked our airfare to Tampa so I can meet my birthdad and most of his side of the family!! 

It's official!!! :)

I'm full of all sorts of emotions. It's gonna be a good thing.

So have any of you done this before? What did you bring? What did you do? I'd love to hear about it!

Psych 101

     Today I saw a psychiatrist. She is amazing and I'm SO GLAD, SOVERYGLAD, that I called and got an appointment. As luck would have it, I called her on Friday and someone had just cancelled a Monday appointment. When I first started going to PT at the beginning of the year, I kept saying that God had sent Christie (my PT-ist) to me. I was sure of it. She was supposed to help me in some way; I thought it was with my tailbone. And she definitely helped with my tailbone (I have my last - fingers crossed - PT appointment this week for that.) but we also talked a lot about all sorts of stuff while we did the PT exercises. It was therapeutic. Soooo as our PT sessions were coming to an end, she suggested that I entertain the idea of talking to a professional. I knew deep down that it was time. So, I actually got the info for this psychiatrist from her! I'm not surprised that it worked out when I called to schedule and that there was a cancellation. It usually takes months to get into see a psychiatrist. God works in mysterious, and sometimes not that mysterious, ways! I know this is all connected to help me.... so I'm going with the flow.

     Anyways, the appointment went really well. It was a good first appointment, and we talked about nothing I thought we would! Yes, of course I cried. I laughed a bit, too. She's a redhead - well, formerly a redhead like me. We must be kindred spirits to some degree; and she reminds me of Sarah Jessica Parker but not in a squeaky mousey way (No offense, SJP!! Loved you in Girls Just Want to Have Fun!! Classic!!) And she was able to point out so many things about me already. This is her job and she's been doing it for a long time so of course she's really great at it ~ attended Columbia, John Hopkins, Yale... has had a lot of training in all sorts of areas, is also a psycho-analyst, a doctor in other areas too, etc... I just feel like she's really going to be able to help me get to the bottom of myself and fix things. I'm looking forward to next week's appointment. She upped my Paroxetine (Paxil) by 5mg and gave me a month of Alprazolam (Xanax). I hope I won't need the Xanax for a long time; I think the whole "meeting my birthdad" thing has me really anxious lately.     ............ Obviously that would make someone anxious and emotionally charged; I didn't really put two and two together, lol. Lunatic. :) I thought my body had conquered the medicine and wasn't going to let the medicine help me anymore. Yes, I probably had some little vision in my head of Viking-hatted Masked Marauders invading my little Happy Rainbow Medicine Cells inside and pillaging them. 

I need to be easier on myself. There are reasonable explanations for almost everything.

Anyways, I'm glad to have it for the days when I need it and for our flight to Flo-Rida.

I am too old to say Flo-Rida.

    My only qualm about this therapy is that it's expensive. $165/50 minutes. I do not see any dinners out in our near future! :) I really do NEED this though. It's been a long time coming and frankly, I'd like to feel like a regular person by the time I'm 30. You know? I can't be an emotional nutcase forever right? 

She suggested I ask my parents for the money to pay for the appointments. I said I'd think about it; and I really will. But I'm 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% positive I do not even want them knowing that I'm IN therapy. We'll be fine. We'll make ends meet. 

God will provide. He always does.