Late Year Thoughts

The New Year is upon us. Quite literally, in fact. The Girls are with their dad tonight and I am tucked into bed, my dog snoring at my feet. My upstairs neighbors must be out because the only sounds I hear are the whirring of my furnace & the occasional gunshot somewhere in the neighborhood. Midnight is fifteen-ish minutes away and while I -

Just had to slide on the floor bc there were shots on my street. Now I am hiding in my closet.

- It was seriously so peaceful and I've had such a relaxing night. I'm still in the closet. So I'll finish what I was going to write. This has been a tough year for me but also feel like it was a game changer year. I pushed myself a lot and I learned about some limits and more importantly, I figured out how to verbalize those limits & respect them. A lot of shitty things happened and a lot of fantastic things happened!

I'm just the same as everyone when it comes to having new year goals. I want to write again bc it has been such a great outlet for me. I want to make my bills on time and figure out my debt. I'm determined to make quilts for the girls this year! Project365 was so so so so much fun to do and that year I did it turned out not so hotso. Maybe I'll do that again.. and definitely keep improving my mental health!

Happiest of New Year Blessings & Wishes to You!

The Unraveling

Where to begin...

I met my birthdad and we sometimes spoke on the phone over the years. It was an emotional first visit and it was deeply difficult to leave him and go home. That visit was a tipping point for me. While the visit was wonderful and special, it also threw me into quite a whirlwind. I matched someone. I shared physical and emotional qualities with someone. Other than my girls, I never had been around anyone to whom I am related. The way our hands moved. The way he 'collected' things, and his especially reverent feelings on family items. I fell into a nightmare spiral of depression that absolutely played into my divorce and of which, unfortunately, my ex used against me in his pursuit of divorce. (<-- All of which will just need to be a separate post, you know...)

We saw each other again in 2013 when I drove East to meet his mom, my biological grandmother, just before she died. He was a wise & private man who had a heart of gold, and a wallet full of love. We shared a love of Hellman's Real Mayonnaise, The Duke, The Grateful Dead, and so much more.

In early August this year, my bio dad was diagnosed with Advanced Stage 4 Throat Cancer. Twelve mornings later he was moved into hospice and passed away that evening with his brother & sister at his side. He didn't want to speak to anyone and didn't want any visitors. He didn't want our final memory with him to be at the hospice. And so we, his children and cousins and aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and his dear grandchildren, respected his wishes and marked his passing by the large Monarch butterfly that flew through each of our yards the minute he was gone.

I have long dreamt of securing enough money to be able to move him to the Little City and take care of him in old age. We'd eat meals together, I'd take him to doctor appointments, We'd rebuild a Classic Car together, and make up for all those lost years of not knowing each other. None of that is going to happen now. He was 53 when he died and I feel like my life expectancy has been cut. I feel his loss but I also feel my gain. I sense motivation within myself to follow my life pursuits and not waste my time.

Le sigh. So all that happened.

So much more to tell!

Tap, Tap? Is this thing on??

Wow. This blog is like a graveyard of a past life.. I haven't written in years here and I know it is time.

Is anyone still out there? Ye olde bloggy friends??

It'll take me a bit to fashion a proper 'Where the heck have you been?!" Post... But for the moment, Hubby & I did end up divorcing. It was nasty, he drug me through the mud, and somehow someway I have survived. I'm still on medicine for my depression & anxiety but I CAN say that I am happier than I ever have been in my life. Legit. 100% happier than ever before.

The Girls!!!! They are becoming Little Women so fast. Junie & Mags turned 10 in September. It was an exciting time for them, "Double Digits". They devour books and their 'baby sister' is beginning to enjoy reading the way they do. Snowdrop is a ball of surprise and excitement! She is wacky and a total ham. They are all so sweet and have such empathetic hearts. They are thoughtful and curious. In ways their dad was never able (not throwing shade, just saying), they recognize that my depression is not something to be shamed nor is it something I have entire control over. They are becoming such extraordinary people - I'm sure we all feel this way about our kids - and they bring me such joy.

I have a life here in the Little City now. My own life. I have friends; I have friends who are like family; I have acquaintance friends. These things have made so much of a difference for me.

Le sigh. This app makes blogging so easy....

I'm back, Bitches!
Haha.

All Filled Up

If you've followed my blog recently then you know I went down to Florida {which was beautiful!} this past weekend to meet my Birthdad! I was adopted at birth and had never met him. 

I have sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to share, obviously, but I do not have time to write about it this morning. But I did want to check in and say that it was the best weekend ever. I met him, my great-aunt & uncle, a second cousin... and a bunch of my dad's friends. There is so much about their lives that I found out this weekend. I had no idea that my absence throughout the years had affected my ENTIRE extended family. I was always "The Missing Grandchild" and was always thought of throughout the years.... it's a pretty intense feeling to know you affected so many lives. They thought of me as much as I did them.

I had a mainly happy childhood though I always felt like something was missing... that I was part of something else. I am part of something greater! This whole big, very close family always left a spot for me in their hearts; I was always part of the family even though no one knew where I was. 

This weekend filled up an empty little piece of me that I thought would never be filled. I am all filled up with love and family.... 

and it's the best feeling ever. 

EVER. 

Will write more again soon! And share pictures!! I look just like him. :)

A Fireworks Show

I feel like a Fireworks Show of emotion. I'm so excited about the trip and so nervous, too. Emotions are pulling me in every direction, it's hard to focus on just one. We're meeting at his house {my birthdad} and I'm glad because I think it will be nice and private. And more special that way. I hope we click and that things aren't TOO awkward. I know it's probably going to be super weird at first.... but.... I'm okay with that. Sometimes the best things begin awkwardly.

These are MY people. Like, for real, MY people. I realize the magnitude of this weekend is probably a hard concept to grasp for those of you who aren't adopted or have experienced a similar situation. Quadmama pointed this fact out to me on my most recent post; and it makes sense. I am unable to explain how it feels, really... or what it's like. But I CAN tell you that it feels exhilarating to finally be putting a piece in the big puzzle of my life. I've been waiting for this one for a long time.

And so have they. :)

I have dreamed about this day for SO LONG. For as long as I've thought about my birth-family, I suppose... and I can't believe it's actually here. It's 1:14am so technically today is actually THE day. THE day. I can't wait to meet the person who is responsible for half of what made me ME, and one of the two people who created my life.

WOW!!!! 

And I just wanted to write all that down before I turned off the computer for the weekend and unplugged. :) Everything changes after this weekend. Good or bad, I do not know. This is certainly life-changing though, no matter how it goes. Please keep me in your thoughts this weekend!