Where to begin...
I met my birthdad and we sometimes spoke on the phone over the years. It was an emotional first visit and it was deeply difficult to leave him and go home. That visit was a tipping point for me. While the visit was wonderful and special, it also threw me into quite a whirlwind. I matched someone. I shared physical and emotional qualities with someone. Other than my girls, I never had been around anyone to whom I am related. The way our hands moved. The way he 'collected' things, and his especially reverent feelings on family items. I fell into a nightmare spiral of depression that absolutely played into my divorce and of which, unfortunately, my ex used against me in his pursuit of divorce. (<-- All of which will just need to be a separate post, you know...)
We saw each other again in 2013 when I drove East to meet his mom, my biological grandmother, just before she died. He was a wise & private man who had a heart of gold, and a wallet full of love. We shared a love of Hellman's Real Mayonnaise, The Duke, The Grateful Dead, and so much more.
In early August this year, my bio dad was diagnosed with Advanced Stage 4 Throat Cancer. Twelve mornings later he was moved into hospice and passed away that evening with his brother & sister at his side. He didn't want to speak to anyone and didn't want any visitors. He didn't want our final memory with him to be at the hospice. And so we, his children and cousins and aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews and his dear grandchildren, respected his wishes and marked his passing by the large Monarch butterfly that flew through each of our yards the minute he was gone.
I have long dreamt of securing enough money to be able to move him to the Little City and take care of him in old age. We'd eat meals together, I'd take him to doctor appointments, We'd rebuild a Classic Car together, and make up for all those lost years of not knowing each other. None of that is going to happen now. He was 53 when he died and I feel like my life expectancy has been cut. I feel his loss but I also feel my gain. I sense motivation within myself to follow my life pursuits and not waste my time.
Le sigh. So all that happened.
So much more to tell!